Lelei and Lucretia's Wild ShoujoAi Ride
by Al Kristopher
Summary: One fine day, the Prince discovers his two favorite strategists have been kidnapped...by Taylor? Not to worry, our heroines have a plan...


Lelei and Lucretia's Wild Shoujo-Ai Ride 

By Mr. Toasty

One bright day in Ceras Castle, Prince decided, completely on a whim, to visit his two favorite strategists. Unfortunately, since neither Albert nor Caesar Silverberg had been invented yet, he had to settle for Lelei and Lucretia, the heroines of this fine tale. Saying hello to Georg, who—for all designs and purposes—had been standing in that exact same spot since his official reception following the Dragon Cavalry "incident", Prince knocked on Lucretia's door before allowing himself inside. Based on the title of this story, he expected the two women to be in the middle of an "intellectual discussion", but what he saw was far from his hopes. Instead of their delightful presence, he discovered a note, scrawled messily, tacked on Lucretia's bed post. It read:

"Sorry, Prince, but I needed a scoop for my paper, and these two were so uncooperative! I was forced to kidnap them and take them to my diabolical lair. I wasn't planning anything ecchi, you've gotta believe me! I hope you understand. Yours truly, Taylor. P.S. Uh, this is kind of embarrassing, but I'm supposed to end this with an insidious laughter. I don't see how it could be insidious if you're reading it, but here goes. …Bwahaha. Dang, that was awful!"

Well, the Prince thought to himself, there's something you see every day.

……

Lelei sat in her chair stiffly as Taylor paced back in forth, a notebook in one hand and in the other, a pen. These were his weapons; this is what the journalistic warrior girded himself with, and he was as proficient in them as any physical fighter in Ceras Castle. She kept both cerulean eyes on him as he went back and forth, clutching her fingers tightly against her palm, forcing sweat to emerge. Taylor was up to no good—more so than usual—and he wouldn't get off with a warning this time, or even, as Shun Min was prone to do, a vicious fish-slapping. Oh, no, this crime warranted greater punishment.

"Relax," said the other woman in the room, calm and coy as ever. "I don't believe he's going to harm us, Lelei. All he wants is an interview."

"And this is honestly the best way to go about it?" she asked, plainly agitated. With a righteous glare she directed her next comment to the man prowling around the room: "If he wanted an interview that badly, he could've just asked!"

"There'd be no flair to it then," Taylor answered, sounding guiltless. He knew this wouldn't soothe the zealous guard—if anything, it'd wind her up even tighter. At least Lucretia was taking this kindly, without any fuss. After all, she was the one he had to worry about. "Anyway, I brought you all the way here, so the least I can do is perform the interrogation. My readers are dying with curiosity, and this is the only way to sate their appetite!"

"And what are they curious about?" said Lucretia, more rhetorical than questioning. _She_ knew, obviously; she just wanted to hear him say it. Taylor brandished his ink-filled weapon at the ladies.

"Why, they want to know if the two of you are really a couple! The subtext is agonizing! The subtlety is brutal! The implications are astounding! The sheer amount of evidence in favor of my theory…"

"Enough!" Lelei barked, almost bolting out of her chair. Fortunately, Taylor had her bound in cords. He wasn't stupid; he knew the tall brunette would attack him if he left her unchecked. Tying Lucretia up was pointless; besides, she was far more cooperative. "Just what are you getting at? And what kind of people are your readers anyway? Whatever we do is private! It's nobody else's business but ours!"

"My dear, you haven't gotten out very much, have you?" The journalist clucked his tongue sadly. "Even if you've been living under a rock for the past decade, you're bound to realize that today's readers want to know _everything_, even the most insignificant detail. They'll especially go bonkers over my celebrity column, and who's more celebrated than Lucretia Merces of the Feitas army and her secret lover Lelei!"

"He seems to have quite an imagination," said the blonde, smiling cutely. Lelei looked flush; Taylor's words were hitting a little too close to home.

"But my lady…"

"Taylor," Lucretia interrupted, "I think it would be in our best interest if you got this interview over with. I'll cooperate with you, but I don't think I'll be able to shed any real light on your questions. Besides, the sooner we get this over with…"

"Ah, I get it!" he exclaimed. "You want to get this finished so the two of you can return to your room and, uh, continue all sorts of 'intellectual discussions'. Hahaha! Say no more, Lucretia! If there's anything I'm good at, it's quick interviews that don't beat around any bush."

"I'm glad to hear it," she said, hiding her face behind the feathered fan of hers. Lelei's eyes drilled imaginary daggers into the journalist's forehead, but until she was free and one with her sword again, the woman was helpless.

"All right then, it's settled! Question one: when was your first kiss together?"

"Oh, must we talk about that already?" sang the strategist, curling her finger around her fan. Uh-oh. Lelei knew that smile. Her mistress had a plan, and by her guess, it was already underway.

"Sorry, but I have to start somewhere, and as any reporter knows, you have to grab your readers by the throat at the first sentence!"

"Indeed. In that case, Lelei and I first kissed about three months after I was incarcerated in Agate Prison. Ah, that was a fun night…"

"My lady…" Lelei looked more pale than usual, but Lucretia's foxy smile soothed her nerves. Cooperate, she seemed to say, and trust in me. The guard let out a reluctant sigh.

"Good, good! Next question! Lelei, when was it that you realized you were in love with Lucretia?" A pause—not a comfortable one. By her lady's will, she submitted to interrogation.

"About midway between the second month."

"Makes sense. Does Cius know about this?"

"Yes."

"And what are his feelings on it?" Lelei's lips pursed in quiet thought.

"He has not told me, but I sense no negative emotion. He's as loyal as I am."

"So he is not jealous? Or…intrigued?"

"I've never seen indication of either." Taylor smiled.

"Back to you, Lucretia. How long have you been aware of Lelei's feelings for you?"

"Oh dear," Merces gushed, "you're really asking me very personal things! But I can't blame you. We're both good at our jobs. Let's see…well, I think the kiss pretty much proved my suspicions, but as for when I first started getting the indications…well…perhaps it was around the time when Lelei was paying slightly more attention to me than Cius."

"What do you mean? Lelei said they were both loyal."

"Of course. But when I mean she paid more attention to me…"

"Oh, I get'cha! Heh-heh! Good, good. And, lady Lucretia, if it's not too personal, do you share Lelei's feelings of love and devotion?" Normally this was the time that the brunette woman would freeze with anxiety, but she was barely given a chance to notice her pulse increasing.

"Of course," said Merces without missing a beat. Lelei didn't stay pale for long…

"Ah, I was hoping you'd say that! There's nothing my readers like more than a two-way romance! Unrequited love is so outdated these days, especially among the lesbians. It's good to see a couple who are so, well, open with each other!"

"It is indeed," Lucretia giggled. Oh, wow. This must've been some plan. Lelei was starting to feel like something grand in scale was happening right under her feet, and as usual, her lady's intellect allowed her to see and control everything, while she could only observe. Her innards became mushy, perhaps out of nervousness, or maybe joy.

"Now, Lelei, about that time you took a bath with Shun Min and Eresh…"

……

"WHAT?"

"I said hello," Kyle stated, taken aback by Boz's shouting. "Jeez, you're not THAT old, Lord Wilde!"

"Sorry, Kyle," said the loud man, rubbing his shoulder delicately. "It's just that I've been on edge ever since the Prince showed everyone that letter. I never would've imagined that Taylor could do something like that! He didn't seem dangerous at all!"

"That's the thing with the Feitas Army," muttered Georg, who was—gasp!—no longer in his spot. "There are people you can trust in here and people you really can't. We're all united for one cause, but we also have our own agendas."

"But did he really have to kidnap Lucretia and Lelei?" asked Cius, who was nearly blue with worry. "They're both very important members of our army! Taking them aside for a few minutes is one thing, but dragging them somewhere and holding them hostage like this is inexcusable! What if Godwin attacked us in that time?"

"Did somebody mention that FILTHY DEVIL Godwin!"

"No, Egbert." The eccentric creature scowled, spitting and hopping with the same typical fury.

"I could have SWORN I heard news of another GODWIN PLOT! Those RAMBIFICOURIONOUS MELIFINICIOUS PUSSBORGING DWIXILDACKS will receive DIVINE retribution when I'm—"

"Egbert!" screamed Miakis. "Godwins, Godwins! They're invading the cellar!"

"FILTHY DEVILS!" he screamed, jumping up and down. "I'll teach those MOSTIFARINICIOUSISMISTICING Godwins a thing or two! They'll wish they had never even HEARD of Falena by the time I get through with them! CHARGE!"

In a moment, Egbert was gone, and things became decidedly more peaceful.

"Phew, thanks Miakis!" Kyle said, whistling loudly. "I dunno how many more outbursts of his I can handle. All the more reason to end this war, I guess. Anyway, about Lucretia and Lelei…"

"Oh, I wouldn't worry about them!" Miakis replied, giving her prettiest, cutest smile of them all. "I have a feeling they'll be okay! In fact, they may even be better!"

"And how do you know?" said Georg. Miakis giggled, which in her language translated as "you'll just have to find out yourself".

"Oh…just a feeling. I wouldn't worry about them." Boz grunted, not feeling very confident about the situation. He trusted and liked Miakis, and usually knew better than to question her word, but this wasn't any ordinary duo they were talking about.

"All the same, I'd like to do something. I say we track down Taylor, bust into his hideout, smash his face, rescue the ladies, smash Taylor's face again, and bring him back here for another smashing! Gahahahahahaaaaaaa!"

"A commendable strategy," Dinn muttered, injecting more sarcasm into his words than anyone thought possible. "But I for one will take Lady Miakis for her word. Taylor is not dangerous, and both Lucretia and Lelei can take care of themselves."

"Not good enough, Dinner!" spat Boz, using the Sable native's most hated nickname. "I don't care what you say! I'm gonna go all medieval on that creepy journalist and show him the business end of my fist! Who's with me?"

To be honest, the crickets couldn't have chirped any louder.

"What? Nobody? Nobody at all?"

"I'll go! To smash that FILTHY DEVIL!" And in unison, everybody roared.

"Shut up, Egbert!"

……

Lelei didn't look so good. Taylor's questions were becoming more and more intimate, and being forced to expose herself and her feelings like this, especially to a man who could deliver them to every home in Falena, was terribly embarrassing. Lucretia, on the other hand, looked as cool as ever, and actually seemed to be enjoying herself. Nothing was sacred in this case; she was more cooperative than a trusting puppy. Lelei wondered if that master plan of hers would ever come to fruition.

"Okay, next question!" spat the journalist. "Have the two of you ever slept together?"

"That's really none of your business," Lucretia stated, giving Taylor a look of warning. The ice in her voice could've frozen the entire Feitas River. He just smiled, feigning more innocence.

"Just a humble question. You do have the right to remain silent."

"Oh, I didn't know that," she murmured, more of a threat than an admittance. Her demeanor melted and became pleasant again, which Lelei interpreted as Lucretia's way of stalling…or using any number of tactics. "Well, I'll answer this one, but from now on, please refrain from such awkward queries. You're upsetting my lover."

"Deal." Lelei was…well, one could put it as such. All of the cuckoo artists in Haud would be stunned to view her most royally crimson face, and each one would smash their insipid pieces, feeling ashamed of them after basking in such a unique color.

"The answer is yes," Lucretia told him softly, "but it's not what you think. Many a nights in Agate Prison were chilly, and Lelei offered her own body to warm me. I was touched by her devotion, and accepted. Sometimes I think she forgets we live in a perfectly warm castle and curls up next to me late at night…"

"Is…that so?" Taylor muttered, forcing his hands over his nose. He almost started spurting blood.

"Why, yes. And did you know, ever since an incident when she was sixteen, she has never worn proper night clothes? She can be very convincing when it comes time to suggest that other people follow suit in her tastes."

"R…r…really…"

"Indeed. I also recall one time when I was treated unfairly and doused with icy water. Surely your readers know that the best cure for hypothermia is shared bodily warmth."

"I…I…I…" Taylor now had his hands smashed over his nose, desperately holding the fountains of blood back. Lucretia giggled, waved her downy fan, and egged him to ask further questions. "Um…um… Have the two of you…I mean… Taken a bath…uh, that is… What about Eresh and…"

"Oh, this interview is not about cute little Eresh, is it? And since you did say 'bath', Lelei and I share one all the time. I just love letting her wash my hair!"

"You're…honest…?" There was now no point in holding it back: Taylor was having a royal nosebleed, and not even Drs. Silva or Murad could've helped him.

"But there's a thing about Lelei," Lucretia whispered, pelting Taylor with answers to questions even he was not daring enough to ask. "She has the most unique birthmark, and you wouldn't even believe where it is, or how she reacts whenever I touch it."

"I…think…this interview…is…over!" he gasped, almost dizzy from the torture. Lucretia giggled, stood, and dropped herself promptly on Lelei's lap—but even that was not her final blow (Lelei, for all purposes, was spellbound and paralyzed with sweet merciful tension). With her typical conniving smile, Lucretia leaned over, twisting herself slightly, and gave Lelei a solid kiss powerful enough to sound Taylor's death knell.

Or rather, his unconsciousness. He fainted and, luckily, did not rise for some time. Suddenly, Boz burst through the window, screaming something about fire and battle. Egbert stood beside him, gagged and fuming.

"We've come to rescue you, Lucretia! Hold tight, Lelei! Boz and his, uh, trusty sidekick, uh, Egbert…here to save the day!"

"Mmmfy mmvls!" Even with tape over his mouth, everyone could understand the unusual Egbert. He jumped over to where Taylor was lying down and aimed a thousand mute curses at his twitching form. Boz, meanwhile, helped untie Lelei, who appeared shaken from the ordeal.

"You two okay? Gosh, I thought we'd have to fight our way in, but it looks like you're stronger than ya look! Haahahaahahahaa!"

"Well," Lucretia sighed playfully, "I suppose even I have my moments now and then. I thank you for rescuing us, Lord Wilde. Let us return to Ceras, and…take Taylor with us."

"But why? Didn't he kidnap you?"

"He did indeed. And he performed an extremely successful interrogation. We must not allow that notebook of his to go anywhere beyond the incinerator."

"Oh, I get'cha. Well, follow me, then! C'mon, Egbert! Leave that guy alone!"

"Mmmphl mrrphl!"

……

Once everything was put back the way it was before and all was forgiven, Taylor was given a good slapping by Cius and thrown into the dungeon, where he spent three days enduring Raven's ugly laughter as the thief's newest cellmate. Miakis gave Boz a gigantic "told you so" once he came back and filled her in on the details, to which he replied with an eloquent "hmph!" Afterwards, in private, she told Lelei, Lucretia, and the Prince why she was so confident about the ladies' safety.

"You're not the only people Taylor has kidnapped," she said. "I was taken too. He asked me about my relationship with the Princess, and I didn't hide anything. Of course, the results of that interview are…no longer available, but suffice to say, I thought he had learned his lesson."

"So he's made a habit out of this?" Lelei balked.

"Yeah, afraid so. He's asked a lot of women in the castle about their relationships with other people, but I think this time, he really got what was coming to him. Once again, a job well-done, Lady Merces!"

"It was just a trifle," said the tanned blonde, smiling enigmatically. "And up until he started asking personal questions, I was really having fun. It's too bad I had to resort to dirty tactics to disable him."

"You mean the nosebleed? Now that was a stroke of genius!" Lucretia chuckled and told the young knight she was too kind. The next day, the whole team was in for a surprise as Oboro gathered everyone together and revealed, of all things, Taylor's interview manuscript in its full, uncut, ready-to-publish form.

"But I thought it was going to be destroyed!" said Kyle.

"We'll get to that later. Taylor really stressed the importance of this document, and I felt that it needed to be shared. Nothing but the straight facts, right? Anyway, permit me to read some of this, your highness, if only to prove that we haven't all just wasted our time." The Prince gave his typical wordless nod, and Oboro began.

The story in his hands is the exact same tale you have just finished reading.

The End! 

"That was the worst cop-out ever!"

"Yeah, I know."


End file.
